I’m not sure that I can actually capture what has been going on the past couple of days in my relationship with Levi — the moments, “the feels,” all of that. But this is what writers do: they try to put into words the world that seemingly cannot be framed in terms of language. This is what makes it so freaking hard. But still, I try.
Levi “tells” me that his mouth hurts and he has a tooth coming in. I’m not sure if this is actually true, as I tend to lead him with questions. (Side note: Levi doesn’t have words yet, but he communicates clearly through babble with inflection and in nonverbal ways — pointing, sign language, and (adorable) gestures (like the I don’t know shoulder shrug)). Whether this supposed tooth is the reason or something else, the past two days he has been incredibly cuddly, a little mellow, and on the cusp of being tired all the time. He’s not sick. He still plays, and laughs, and runs around, and shrieks, and cries, and asks for “more, more” when I sing (no, I cannot actually sing. Ah…the love of a child…). He’s just extra into me.
I am eating this up with bursting heart. Who knows how long it will last?
Yesterday there was this moment when we were in my room getting ready to head out to an appointment. He pointed to the bed, which he hasn’t done since we stopped nursing almost three weeks ago. I asked him if he wanted to get in the bed, to which he responded affirmatively. I let him in the bed, and he just seemed kind of mellow/tired, cuddling with the pillows, wrapping the sheets around himself, giggling. I should mention that before he got into the bed, he seemed to be pointing at my breasts, but I was wearing a shirt with a large graphic on the front, so I assumed his was looking at that. Either way — asking to nurse, and then pointing to the bed was our 5am routine back in the days when we were still breastfeeding. This was not 5am and it was nearly three weeks later, but there still seemed to be a connection between us,to me, and to our nursing relationship.
I hopped into the bed too and he wrapped his little arms around my neck and snuggled in so close — his breath tickling my neck. I smothered him with kisses and he let me. We just laid there, arms wrapped, time ticking. We were going to be late, but what did that matter in this moment that might not come again? I was in wonder and awe at his sweet lovingness. I wanted to know where it was coming from. Why? He reached for the neckline of my shirt at one time and gave a little tug. I reminded him: all gone, no more milk in there. He was content. He went back to hugging me. And I to him.
(P.S. To the still present bit of perfectionist in me: We were late. The appointment still happened. The world continues to spin.)